Tattoos, Travels, and Tidbits

Author’s Note: Lola means Grandma in Tagalog

bittersweet goodbyes
I greet a memory of the motherland
but leave behind my
sticky sweet life
Rain starts to fall before I turn away

Arriving, the memories come flooding
Drops of water turned into mud slides on the hills
it’s monsoon season in the Philippines
I have to travel home
which one? I ask myself
But ewan ko. I don’t know.

I light 5 candles at the church
All different colors with meaning I haven’t memorized
I’m a foreigner here, unaccustomed to the prayers
I’m a foreigner there, uncomfortable with erasing ancestral memories
I practice my faith best when I’m trying to assimilate

I’m no Catholic
but I pray for the peace I can’t give myself when I’m always away/ I am always somewhere I am not
I’m no Christian
but I visit the mausoleum with Lola’s remains,
recount all the love I have to give
pray it’s enough to reach her
The flames stay lit as the rain patters on
I think I did it, I think the fire helped us all somehow

All this time, I’ll keep a piece of her in my pocket
Between my return ticket home
And my tissues to wipe my nose
She’s a vision of hope when the wet markets tin roof grows loud from the weather
Running between racks of counterfeit clothes dodging lightning cracking on sidewalks
She’s an umbrella away when I’m shaking, untethered

bittersweet goodbyes when I leave Manila
they say the weather is unknown
But I’m sure when it starts it won’t stop
My Lola understood like a secret between young girls
We carry this with us wherever we go
The heaviness of love

bittersweet hellos when I return to America
The monsoon seasons pouring out my pockets now too
as a puddle you loved me so/ a mess at the door you always let in
smeared mascara and fresh jasmine dew
its always monsoon season wherever I go